So. As I was saying just minutes ago before my computer crashed.

We have a nice little ambiance over here, let me tell ya that.

My father is sulking, I think. And/or ignoring me. Just like I do sometimes when I'm mad at someone, except that he's 47. Okay, I'm 18, I'm not a child anymore, but I am not the most mature person there is on earth either. And if one of us is going to be a big baby and shut down dialogue, it should be me, not him.
But it's funny, in some way.
He hasn't said a word to me since I got back home.
And when the phone rang, and he answered, and it was for me, he put it on the table next to him so I'd pick it up. Instead of handing it to me.
I'm not even sure he so much as looked at me tonight.
Sad how I don't feel bad because of it.

I hoped to just come online for a few minutes, write my thing here and run in my room to go to sleep fast to avoid my mother, who I knew wanted to talk to me... But she came down in the basement with me and asked me what I was gonna do.

I didn't know just a few hours ago, but as I typed my entry for my OD, it became clear. I am not going.
It's not that I wanna make my father mad, it's not that I enjoy defying authority or anything, it's not that I wanna make my parents look bad, it's not that I am a heartless, unsensitive, egotistical bitch (or maybe I am and that's exactly what this is), it's just that I can't take the day off.
How nice would it be to tell my boss the day before ? Plus I went there yesterday to ask not to work next Saturday. And anyways, I want to work. I can use the money, and... I just don't feel like going anyway.

My mother said she would pay me my work day if that was the problem. She really doesn't get it.
I'm sorry for her though. She's stuck between us two. Because my father won't talk to me, and he expects her to talk me into going.
And that's another thing that reinforces my decision not to go. He isn't even able to talk to me. He doesn't care why I don't wanna go, he just wants me to because.

I am sorry, but I do not feel like I owe anything to my grandfather, nor to any member of my father's family.

"Do it for your father."

I am sorry, but did he ever go somewhere he didn't wanna go for me ?
No.
He prefered staying home watching TV rather than coming to one of my concerts, for example.
Is it really worse if I'd rather work than go to his father's funeral ?

I will not be pretending that I care.
I refuse to be a fake person - everyone who knows me should know how much I hate anything that is even slightly fake.
I want people to be true and honest with me. If I feel they're being fake, I'll be mad.
I try to be as honest and true to people as I can. And I feel horrible when I am not.
Overall, I feel I owe myself to be true to myself.

I just wish it were easier.

I will ask my mother tomorrow if there's gonna be some family reunion afterwards, in which case I'll use a car to go to work, bring suitable clothes, get changed after my shift and drop by. That I don't mind.
I just won't put my life on hold even for a minute for them. I am not a part of their lives, and I've built my life without 'em. I do not need 'em.
I can't even guarantee that my grandfather remembered my name.