Ya'll be warned that the following is quite depressing, but I just thought about that today.

The nice (or bad, as you wish) thing about writing and keeping your writings - and then being stupid enough to re-read yourself once in a while - is that you can see yourself change as time goes by.
And lately it's occured to me how much I've changed - how somehow I stopped believing in a lot of things. And although I have learned that your mentality can change easily without you realizing it, I never thought that I could not know that I didn't believe in stuff I used to believe in.
When someone is talking about how they're going to find someone they'll spend the rest of their life with and everything, it always kind of hits me - because it's weird, it's funny in a way, and mainly because I don't believe in that. No idea why, but I don't believe in it.
When someone is talking about the money they'll make when they get that job they're studying for - and will surely get, I have no worries about that - and what they wanna do with their life, it hits me as well. Somehow I stopped believing in the future.
Do you know how depressing it is to realize ? I mean damn it, it's like there's nothing left to believe in - quite pathetice when you're only 19 - and... I don't know, while you're at it, you just might as well start wondering what you're still living for, you know ?

And re-reading yourself, or rather the person you were a few years back - and not that many years back, because your oldest writings are only 3 or 4 years old - you see how many things you seemed to believe in and live for. And you wonder when the hell they disappeared, and why and where did they go ?

It also makes me realize, and I have no shame at all to admit it, that I am not happy that I am growing up. I've said it before, but the last years didn't bring me much - not enough to make up for "the rest", ie everything that went wrong, like those beliefs who subtly went out the door. Especially when compared to what I did and thought and had a few years ago and I obviously don't anymore - and then you have to wonder if things keep going this way and for how long and if it ever stops and before you know it you're really depressing yourself - but yeah, growing up really sucks.

I realized as well that I don't trust people. Now that, at least, I can't say if I ever did, but as sad as it may sound, I don't trust people. I mean sure I trust my friends and I don't spend my time thinking they're talking about me behind my back - but I really have a hard time trusting people, in general.