I feel kinda weird right now, and when I feel weird, I end up feeling like writing something but I'm not sure what, so I come on here, read some random posts, get frustrated again about something I wrote a little while back and try to expand on that. So here we go. (teehee)

I'm not a communicator. Although it would seem I am given the time I spend writing here, but I'm not. When something is going on, I build those walls around me. I don't push people away - I just don't let them come close. Not too close, anyway.

Yes, I know it has to be frustrating to them, but this is the part where you deal with it. Because my head concerns only me, and if I don't want you to get in there, you just don't, and if that bothers you, you cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it because I too do endure things from you. (This is so agressive.)

I don't talk because it doesn't change anything, it only makes me feel worse and I know that a lot of things people wouldn't understand. Of course now you're all going "well they can't understand if you don't explain", and you might have a point except that there are things you no absolutely nothing about unless you've experienced them, and the other things maybe you could understand if I told you, once again you deal with it because I am not blaming you. (not really clear, but let's move on)

I already talked about this weird need of mine to be hated, in part because it allows my head to shout names at me, which I guess to some extent awakes the perfectionnist in me and motivates me to try to be more, better, etc. As long as my head only tries to hurt me, I have no problem with it, once again, I'm the only one who's concerned, and if you don't like what I do to myself, you just (say it again with me) deal. Because at some point it seems I've tried to stop trying to please everyone else and decided to start by trying to please myself, which isn't a less-easy task. Anyways.

The problem happens when your head starts hurting other people.
Because then, you can't change it, and you can't stop it, because the only solution was the above-mentionned barriers.
So you start hurting other people without meaning to, and you want to stop, but you can't help it, and all you can do is watch.

And that's when my war cry comes in : It's not fair !.