I have the deepest cut on my left thumb, once again from cutting tomatoes at work. I need to get a job that doesn't require using my hands along with sharp things. Anyway, that thing is still opened after three days. And it hurts like a bitch.

I thought I would use tonight to get, once again, in the I'm-getting-old stuff and try to figure this out once and for all.
Because pretty much everything I need to say about it has already been said :
1. I always imagined the "future" me being in her twenties, so this future has become "now". Which is very scary, because things are not as I thought or wanted them to be. I need to expand on that.
2. So, since today is my future and today is not like I thought it would be, it has not to be my actual future. Therefore, I have to still be 17.
3. When I think of the passed years, I get stuck when I turn 16. By "get stuck", I mean it feels like it never existed. I have very few memory of me at 16-17-18. 19 gets clearer and well, 20 is now.
Question is, which of #2 or #3 is the reason that I can't face that I will be 21 in less than a month ?
I also need to expand on that.

So the years I spent in college are very hazy in my head. That also was a very hazy time in my head, everyday, so I guess that is no real surprise.
I mean the only good part of that time is the great people I got to meet - and most of them, I barely ever see again. So the Quartz I was with them is no more.
Other than that, I hated college from day 1. That pneumologist told me I might've issues with adjusting, and he probably was right, although I didn't think so back then.
I spent 2 years and half fighting with myself, with physics, maths and chemistry, and although I still believe that was the only option, today it doesn't feel like I was alive back then.

Let me give you an example.
A few days after I got out of high school, I woke up one morning and then did something I deeply regretted after I'd done it. The whole day was ruined because I had done this thing. Nothing could be okay before the next morning, when I finally would get a chance to start things over.
So what I did is, I went into the basement, took out this huge puzzle and spent the whole alone in my room, putting this puzzle into place, feeding on soya nuts all day long.
And the next day, when I woke up, it took me a while to realize that there had been a day between two days before and that morning.
I had wanted to skip a day, and it had worked.
And it feels like I skipped all those years in college. And it would be nice to get them back.

So what was I doing ?
I think I was just busy figuring myself out, figuring out who I wanted to be, and trying to mold myself into this person.
It didn't work. Of course.
I was hiding. But I was used to that by then.

Because it had been done before.
It had started at the end of high school... or rather, it got serious at the end of high school, but it started much, much before that.
Or rather, I know I've already talked about mental predispositions to some "illnesses" - speaking as a little girl who asked why we were all living for, tried to sleep on the floor because she believed she was a "bad daughter" and OCDed for a little while in Elementary school.
So she looked for comfort. And that comfort was food.

I always knew, when I started this blog, that it was just a matter of time before I wrote that, because this is the place I try to be completely myself.
But I would think I needed to hide, and I thought it worked, amazingly, but the other day, it hit me : people know. I mean, I only told two people (plus one idiot who told me to shove it, but never mind) - but my friends and family are not blind. It would be underestimating them to claim that they have no idea what is going on. Because I am convinced by now that they know, consciously or not, or that, at least, they have thought about it once.

Because one of them called me when we were 16 only to ask me if I was anorexic.
I said no.
Because eating less than 500 cals a day and working out two or three times a day was not anorexia.
I hate the words anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, eating disorder. I don't think I've ever said them out loud.

I don't think it is necessary to expand on that, but this is what I was busy doing in college.
I can't decide when life started again, but I know I was 19. But since it stopped when I was 16, logically I would have to be turning 18 next month. Because I'm two years and a half behind in the schedule I had planned for my "future".

I think I just need to realize that those years were not lost. I mean, so it took two years and a half to put myself together, at least now it's done. It had to be done anyway.

So ?
I am twenty years old. Anybody has a problem with it ?