I don't post on my other blog as much as I used to. I had an online diary, but I think I am officially saying good bye to it this year. I spent a great deal of time there, this is where I wrote before I started this blog, it allowed me to meet great people who opened my eyes on a hell of a lot of things, but I think it's over.

So I don't post on my other blog as much as I used to. I actually need to give it a makeover, which I haven't done in a long time, because now I feel that the old layout needs to go, because this layout in itself has come to mean something on its own, and well, the blog is changed, and you can't change a blog and keep the same layout.

I don't post on my other blog as much as I used to because now I can post most of my thoughts just here. I used to think eventually I would make the link public, but now I know I never will. I do re-read parts of it sometimes and a lot of those times I myself think it's way too heavy and I can't bear just reading it, so I wouldn't subject someone else to it. Rob: I think I understand why you e-mailed me back then, and I now realize what a bitch I was to you. still not an excuse for young and stupid and just looking for attention :P

I don't post on my other blog as much as I used to, but I do have a lot of stuff there. I actually have translated ICQ convos saved there. Old, old stuff.

And then I think : maybe I am back where I started. I think I am. Took 4 whole years to achieve a complete cycle, but maybe it's done. It's funny, because at the same time, I am back where I was 4 years ago, but also pretty much where I thought I would be today.

Thing is, I lived so long just trying to get to HERE, thinking I knew what it meant and how it was or would be, it's depressing to see, well, it's not.
I thought I was working towards something that would guarantee me total bliss when I finally would get it. At the same time, at the back of my mind, of course I knew that it probably wouldn't... but it was just at the back of my mind, because I didn't really believe it, I just thought about it because this is what they all say. You think something's going to make you happy right up until you get it. Right ?

So you finally get IT, and things are working out for a while, and you're thinking, yes, that is what I wanted, and yes, I think I am happy, and I knew that is all that I needed.

But sooner or later, it's gonna hit you: no. IT isn't all that you needed to get to happiness. Have you just wasted all that time?

No.

I had come to the conclusion a few years back that happiness is mainly something you know you have when you don't think about it. I still think that is a good definition.

All I know is I'm back where it started, therefore in a good state of mind. I got mostly what I wanted, and now I see that it never was a condition to my own happiness. Or say, yes, it was, but not to the extent I thought it was. However, I am not unhappy, and as I would totally fail to list the things that make me happy, I think that means I am happy.