It's funny because I could probably save myself if I wanted to. And for a while I did, actually I didn't even wonder - I just did it.

But then I had to start over again, and well, really, what's the point?

It's always been about control with me, and even I am not always aware to what extent. If you think you're going to hurt me, I'm going to positively block you out and hurt myself on every possible level - yes, I'll show you how it's done. See? This is far better than what you can do. The pain you could cause me is nothing at all compared to what I can inflict to myself. And then I will only be able to blame myself, and nobody else, for that pain. I will break myself down before I let anybody else do it, I will self-destruct in every possible way if it's what I must do to prevent anybody else from hurting me. See ? You have no impact on me. If this is the only way to have control over myself, then so be it. I don't really care.

And I was going to use the word "wallowing" but now I don't think that's it at all. It's just self-protection. I never wanted a savior, really. I never really believed in saviors - although I did hope they existed and one of them would come to me to prove me wrong. But I was always going to save myself.

And there's also thinking - If the rain has to separate from itself / Does it say "pick out your cloud" - and I'd give anything to be rain again, or not really, and I actually, had I not gone through the whole self-saving process before, I probably could do it. But being virtually a good girl now, I can't. And yes, it's time I picked out my cloud - but could I just be rain and have my own cloud too?

Maybe I'm going to pull myself up. Maybe not. I don't know. Oh well.