About 2006

There's only two weeks left to 2006 and last year I was bitching about how people view this as a new beginning when it really is just continuation, but it doesn't make it a bad thing to have a glance behind and sum it up.

So thanks to you, now I know what it is to be utterly miserable, I know what it is to have everyone stab you in the back and run away and I know what it is to have everyone turn away from you and talk trash behind your back for no reason at all. Thanks to you, I know what it is to realize that friends never care enough for you and that only a stronger feeling/bond - I'd really rather not have to think this one through - will encourage people, even if they're those with whom you share the least healthy relationships, to pull you up. Thanks to you, I know what it is not to be able to take your mind off one thing, I know what it is to cry and to actually worry whether it's physically possible to run out of tears because everytime you try to take control and stop, the tears come back within seconds and I know what it is to fail miserably to go to sleep before your body has become completely exhausted and lack sleep for months at a time. Thanks to you, I know what it is to reunite with old times and mess with your eating habits partly just for the fucking hell of it or to take your mind off things with the only tool you know works and to wake up with half-circles still visible on your arms and to feel happy about it. Thanks to you, I know what it is to lock yourself up into an empty appartment and wait for the day to pass by, I know what it is to wake up in the morning and feel absolutely terrified of the day to come, or to wake up in the morning and be deeply disappointed because it's too early and that means you have that many more hours to fill until you're exhausted enough to go back to bed. Thanks to you, I know what it is not to be able to bring yourself to so much as to get dressed after getting out of the shower in the morning, let alone blowdrying your hair or anything else. Thanks to you, I know what it is to get up in the morning and start crying right fucking away, to pray that it will just stop but still to cry for two full hours straight until you're just lucky enough for someone to stop by out of the blue. Thanks to you, I know what it is to be absolutely, completely, entirely alone. Thanks to you, I know what it is to be reminded all kinds of love are conditional and that those who claim to love you will undoubtedly judge you as soon as they're given the opportunity and I know what it is to find that you're unable of completely believing the next person who says they care about you and you'd rather they asked if they could use you straight up.

I know what it is to do horrible things because you have no more reason not to.
I know what it is to unfairly ask people to choose.
I know what it is not to keep people from doing things they'll regret when you know you should.
I know what it is to have done something wrong and not feel sorry for it.

I know what it is to entirely start over.