I wanted to call you. I knew you were actively destroying everything we had ever shared and blaming me while I stared out my window everyday, wondering what to hold on to now - but you have no idea how bad I wished I could call you.

Because I'm weak like that. I can't stand to lose things that are precious to me.

Many, many times, I wanted to pick up that phone and say: Let's pretend. Let's not even talk. I'll never mention it again. I'll find the strength. Let's go on as if you were the friend I thought you were. I want you to be that person.

I never called because I knew the person I missed had never existed.