Addictions II - 10 years later

You always felt solid, reliable, always felt like you were rightfully where you were. It was only after you were gone that I saw you might have been fragile, too, and that you might have had your share of insufficiencies.

I already knew you and I had similar demons. For the longest time though, I was only able to look at yours through mine. It's only after I was able to step back that I realized that all I could see was their external manifestation, and that there had to be causes - which just might also have been similar to mine.

The memories are faint.

I don't remember a time when you were not addicted. I remember a time when it seemed like nothing more than a bad habit, and a time when you had lost all control, as well as the last straw when you finally turned everything around - but I don't remember the escalation.

I was so young, I didn't realize it wasn't pure recklessness. Didn't realize your conduct was only a reflection of how bad you were feeling inside. And clearly, nobody ever asked - did they even wonder?

The only reason I am finally seeing it, I guess, is I've been on the other side, and I know what it is to long for destruction.

There used to be this void I was trying to fill. Did you also have that void inside?
I can see now you were never enough for some, and somehow you kept trying. You never fit in though. I could always see it, but it never occurred to me you might have been taking it in for decades. I don't know if that's how things always stood, or if there was a trigger of some kind, lightyears ago.
Did you long for acceptance? For forgiveness? Did the void swallow you whole - did the pain need numbing?

You woke up one morning and decided it was over. And you followed through. And it seems like everyone took it for granted. But did you just replace one addiction with another?

I made my own turnaround, years later. And it certainly wasn't that kind of clean break. It was more of a gradual rehabilitation. I went back. I tripped. Until I finally healed... forever temporarily.

You probably started filling your own void with something less harmful. It was good enough for the rest of us. But I've got to wonder - was it good enough for you?

You were never enough; even when they got that last chance, they made sure you knew it. I tried to fill your void as well as I could, but, although it was all I felt like I was capable of, I will never settle and think it was enough.

I will always wonder about your pain, your void, your ascent. I hope you got to that peaceful, smooth, quiet place, like I did; I hope you saw your worth and the beauty around you, because real life is out there and everyone deserves a piece of it.

Many of us were too scared to mention it, but I hope someone did stop to tell you at some point - good job.