I don't know. Really, I don't.

Because I'm that good at looking away. And thinking - no, that's not it. You're imagining things. And well, maybe it's just me.

But it's flown way too far for it to be nothing - and I shut the fuck up, but I saw it, gradually, gradually...

So I don't know what it is.
But I do know how it feels. And it doesn't make sense any other way once you've rationalized it, ask anyone - and the biggest clue dropped was how careful you always were not to mention it.