The subconscious is a funny thing, sometimes.

Like when we had our dog put to sleep. He used to always be so desperately happy to see me when I visited that he let out this brief, high-pitched bark-like sound whenever I would pull into the driveway. And for months after he was gone, whenever I pushed the door to the garage open and heard the squeaking noise it made, for a second I was certain it was the dog barking in excitement.

The door still squeaks, and while now I know it's just a squeak, I still think of the dog each time.

Sometime last month, when my dad was in the hospital, Raiontzukai and I were home, waiting for my mom. I was playing some online game when I heard the door squeak, and something in my head said: "this is Dad coming home".

Because that's the way things used to be. My mom used to spend the weekend home with us when were over, and my dad would come and go as usual, so when the door squeaked, it was always him coming home.

Some nights I dream of my dad. And he's never sick in my dreams. Most of the time he's actually getting better. He's not working again, he's not cancer-free, but he does have a small victory to be happy about, like the simple fact that he's walking again. Not running around, not moving furniture, just standing on his own two feet.

Because, damn it, he should get a small victory once in a while. He should get something, anything. Because pure bitches get to beat cancer and be hated for 20 more years and it shouldn't happen if an honest, hard-working man can't even live to see 60. Or, you know what, I think we'd all settle for 56.

So when the phone rings and I hear it's all supposedly a matter of days know, I struggle to decide whether I should believe it or not. I can't seem to be able to grasp the concept; it just doesn't make sense. Except that it does. Or maybe it really doesn't and it's the whole point. Maybe that's what we're supposed to get down the line, is that we're not supposed to comprehend all of this.

The subconscious is a funny thing, sometimes.