Thursday, March 05, 2009

Je ferai mes impôts moi-même cette année, et il faut que je m'achète un logiciel pour ce faire. Est-ce que l'un de vous, chers lecteurs, en a un à me conseiller ?
You all know, I complain about my mother a lot. But really, there's no way out of it. Sometimes, it's like she doesn't even think, damn it.

Two days ago, my mother called to tell me that they'd seen a doctor and been told that they couldn't cure my dad, they could only extend his life with treatments. She could not answer clearly any of my questions as to why he couldn't be cured, all I got out of her was: "well, you know, when the cancer's gotten to the bones...".

My dad got out of the hospital yesterday, and I spoke to him on the phone. I asked him what the doctor had said exactly, and the following conversation ensued:

Dad: What do you mean, what did he say?
Quartz: Well, other than "there's nothing we can do".
Dad: No, he said it couldn't be cured.
Quartz: Okay, well, why are they saying that? Has it spread all over your body?
Dad: It got to the other lung.
Quartz: Okay, I know it got to both your lungs and to your pelvis, but other than that?
Dad: My impression is it's spread more than that, but more tests are needed to confirm that. Anyways, I knew it from the start. And the oncologist told me last week.
Quartz: She told you it couldn't be cured?
Dad: She said they couldn't operate.
Quartz: Wait. So when they say it can't be cured, they mean they can't remove it surgically?
Dad: Yes.
Quartz: So you could have the treatments and enter a remission?
Dad: Well, it's too soon to tell, there has to be more tests.

I could SCREAM, damn it. I spent an ENTIRE FREAKING DAY thinking my dad was going to die right about now, for god's sake!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Parce que j'ai une mémoire assez intense quand il s'agit de mon blog et de ce que j'y écris, et que c'est le genre de truc qui me revient en tête ces jours-ci :

Et c'est la même chose avec les gens, quand vous y pensez. Ya une seule personne de ma famille qui est morte depuis que je suis née, et c'est mon grand-père, et vous pensez bien qu'il a fallu qu'il choppe le cancer et qu'il dépérisse tranquillement lui aussi. Ça m'a pas fait grand chose, honnêtement, parce que mon grand-père m'a toujours ignorée, qu'il a toujours préféré ma cousine et son frère et qu'il ne m'a jamais parlé, mis à part "joyeux noël" et "bonne année" une année sur trois. Vous savez la seule fois où il m'a dit quelque chose, spontanément ? Il était à l'hôpital, et il avait tellement pris de médicament qu'il était gelé et il hallucinait quelque chose qui bougeait dans le coin de sa chambre. Sa femme lui a dit qu'il n'y avait rien qui bougeait, et quand il m'a vu observer le coin qu'il désignait, il m'a prise à témoin : "Tu vois ? Ça bouge, hein ?" Et qu'est-ce qu'il faut que vous répondiez à ça, bor-del ? C'est la seule et unique fois que je suis allée le voir avant qu'il meure, j'ai toujours refusé ensuite. Et je pense que j'aurais mieux aimé ne jamais y avoir été, que mon grand-père soit resté quelqu'un de silencieux qui se fichait de moi et qui restait dans son fauteuil sans rien dire tout le temps. À la place, je peux seulement me dire que la seule et unique câlisse de fois que mon grand-père m'a parlé, eh bien il était gelé comme une balle et il hallucinait.
(6 juillet 2004, ici)

This teacher I had in high school died. My grandmother told me that tonight. She was only 48. My grandmother didn't know exactly what she died of, some kind of cancer, she said she thought it was leukemia.
Then I handed the phone over to my father, and afterwards, he came to ask me who died, and I told him. He asked me what she died of, and I said "cancer".
He gave me this slightly surprised look and said : "Really ? Talk about a damned thing.", and he went out the room.
And then I remembered his father died of cancer, just a few months ago.

(20 juin 2002, ailleurs)
So the famous miracles I keep hearing about never happen to me, and it seems my dad can't be cured.

Flaxen hair blowing in the breeze
It is time for the geese to head south
I have come with my mustard seed
I cannot accept that she will be taken from me

"Do you know who I am" she said
"I'm the one who taps you on the shoulder when it's your time
Don't be afraid I promise that she will awake
Tomorrow somewhere
Tomorrow somewhere"

Wrap yourself around
The tree of life and the dance of the infinity
Of the hive
Take this message to Michael

I will comb myself into chains
In between the tap dance clan
And your ballerina gang
I have come for the beekeeper
I know you want my
You want my queen
Anything but this
Can you use me instead?

In your gown with your breathing mask
Plugged into a heart machine
As if you ever needed one
I must see the beekeeper I must see if she'll keep her alive
Call Engine 49 I have come with my mustard seed

Maybe I'm passing you by
Just passing you by girl
I'm passing you by
On my way
On my way
I'm just passing you by
But don't be confused
One day I'll be coming for you...
I must see the beekeeper
I must see the beekeeper

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Quote du jour : Lundi, moi, je suis pas là... je suis au Mexique.