Je viens de me rendre compte que j'ai totalement négligé l'aspect bilingue de ce site pendant les derniers jours... Ai beau essayer de faire ma cool et de faire ma bilingue, je suis quand même francophone, merde, et il faut que ça se sache ! ;)
(Je ne comprends pas, je suis devenue extraordinairement patriotique depuis quelques temps...)
D'habitude, ce que j'écris en français, c'est les histoires que mes lecteurs anglophones ne comprendraient pas de toute façon, sauf qu'apparemment, ça fait un petit bout qu'il m'est arrivé une histoire de ce style-là !
Je vous dirai donc en français que j'ai super mal aux pieds (comme à tous les samedis, je vous dis que travailler, ça n'a pas que des avantages !) et que depuis hier soir je suis en train de m'arranger pour ne plus avoir de mains... Je sais pas pourquoi, je me mange la peau autour des ongles de façon compulsive pratiquement depuis hier soir. Bientôt je ne pourrai plus taper. Ni conduire - eek !
Vous allez m'aimer quand même, dites, si je m'auto-dévore les mains ? (Écoutez, le but, c'était d'écrire en français, demandez-moi pas d'avoir du sens en plus... mais suis-je quelqu'un qui a du sens, anyway ?)
À part de ça, mon père m'a probablement trouvé une autre auto, il va juste se renseigner un peu plus sur ce modèle-là lundi. Ce que je pourrais faire aussi, ça serait acheter ce char-là et le vendre un peu plus cher, pour me retrouver avec un plus gros budget. Car j'imagine qu'il est assez inutile de vous dire qu'avec 1000$ pour acheter un char, on ne va pas chier loin ! (J'exagère... l'auto dont mon père me parle devrait me revenir à 1300 ou 1500$. Ce qui fera beaucoup de peine à mon compte en banque, duquel je viens déjà d'extraire la même somme pour la placer, et duquel je devrai bientôt extraire 42$ pour payer mon ticket... Je crois que je devrais avoir mon propre téléthon.)
Bon ! Assez parlé d'automobile ! Cé grave, mon affaire, cé rendu que je suis pratiquement capable de soutenir une conversation à propos de char avec un gars... Cé un grave atteinte à ma féminité, ça ! ;)
Bon, d'accord, d'accord, j'arrête. Dès que mes pieds me font moins mal, il va falloir que je retourne à ma chambre pour me changer, parce qu'on va voir mon grand-père à l'hôpital ce soir. *yeux au ciel*
Allez-y, dites que j'ai pas de coeur, mais s'il m'avait dit autre chose que «Joyeux Noël et bonne année» dans toute ma vie, lui, eh bien peut-être que ça me ferait quelque chose qu'il soit en train de mourir. Mais il ne l'a pas fait, et je ne me sens pas obligée de mentir en faisant semblant que j'ai de la peine.

Ayoye. Ça cé troublant.
Ya quelqu'un qui a trouvé mon blog en faisant une recherche sur Google avec les mots clefs : «La philo c'est de la marde.»
Je suis totalement d'accord, mais cé assez troublant quand même.
Mais bon !
Salutations ! :)

So today was a pretty good day.

I actually have a ton of things to say about it, but I'll write it in my paper diary. Can you believe it ? I have 3 different diaries and they all have a different use. I am such an organized little girl. Or perfectionnist. Or both.

I just might've passed my phys exam. If I do it'll be the first time I do in about 6 months ! That's actually what I was thinking about when I was doing the exam. How weird it would be to pass it.

I'm living through flashbacks lately. I don't know, I have phases like that - it happens from time to time. A phase during which everything triggers a flashback. A smell, a word I hear, a move somebody makes. It's weird.
The first time it happened to me, I was convinced I was going to die. You know how they say before you die you see every moment of your life ? I thought it was it. And it was during my last year of highschool, and it made even more sense because I always was convinced that I would die before getting in college.

Yeah. I'm weird like that.

How annoying is that small new addy ?
Yeah, so sue me, 'cuz I worked hard enough to get the code all right for you to put up with it for a while. :)

Still am.

I'm confuzzled.

I feel hyper. Dunno why. Maybe because physics exam is done. When I got out of the room all I wanted to do was run all the way home.
I have no idea how physics went, I just hope to pass. I really hate physics. I don't even want to pass the class. I just don't wanna have to take it. At least I have a cool teacher. He's like the best teacher I've had a) for physics and b) in college.

My dad might've found what's wrong with my car. It sounds like it's gonna hurt my wallet a lot, though, and he's still looking for a new car for me.
(Dang it. Just realized I didn't write the car story here. Oh well. Ask me. Or go see my OD. Typing that story is exhausting, both mentally and physically. And I'm already tired. Had a physics test, remember ? Physics kill you. Never start learning physics. It'll get ya.)

*needs to go to bed*

I never wanna touch that car again, ever, ever, ever.

I'd rather die.

So.
I started studying for physics at 10:50 today. I think it's good. Although I have some funky concentration, but at least I'm studying. Now I'm quite tired of it though, so I'm just taking a 10 minute break online, and then I'm gonna have lunch, and then I'm gonna get dressed, and then I'm gonna go back to the studying.
Will be leaving at 2:15 or so. Need to stop by the library to photocopy two articles.
And then I have stats till 6 o'clock, and then I'm coming back home, eating and, o surprise, studying !
Ugh.
Hate school.

I hate, hate, hate Mondays.
None of my team partners e-mailed me back about the paper we have to hand in today. They didn't even send me the list of books and articles they had so the bibliography I was able to do is quite short. I just love them right now.
And where the f... did I put that freakin' floppy ? It was in my bag, it was there since the beginning of the semester, and I got it out of there exactly twice, and I remember clearly putting it back in my bag.
And it's not there anymore this morning.
It's really not going well, and I can't wait till the damn week is over. After this one, there's only another one to live through, and then we have a free week.
And I hate computers. For the first time in ages, it printed my paper with black ink, as I asked, instead of stupidly printing it in blue for no reason, but of course as it can't do everything perfectly once in a while, the page numbers disapeared. Have to write them down by hand. Will look awesome.
I haaaaaaate school ! I hate it ! And Mondays are even worse ! ARRRRRRRRRRRGH !

Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it.
OD is down.
And I need it now.
But I can't use it.
And all I have left is here.
But this doesn't belong here.
Although no one freakin' reads me anymore.
*hyperventilating*
I just hate everything right now.
Especially the last few days, and tomorrow.
And I just felt like crying the whole day, and I don't know why, and now it's happening again, and I need to go to bed 'cuz I gotta get up early tomorrow, but I don't want to, I just want to keep typing and typing and typing and typing and ty...
I can't breathe ! I can't breathe !
I don't wanna go to sleep.
I feel dizzy.
And I'm listening to Tori Amos' Love Song and it's making me want to cry even more. Piano-voice arrangements do that to me.
I hate school. I hate me. I hate things you can't get ahold of. I hate scales.
I hate disorders.
I want to breathe.
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
I wish I could cry, maybe it would help.
But I can't. It's just not working.
Of course you cry only when you don't want to.
Can't breathe either.
damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnit
This is not a panic attack. This can't be. I don't have panic attacks.
Here's why hyperventilating is good. It makes you dizzy and you can't think and you can't type so fast anymore, and you can't think that much anymore
But then you stop breathing as you're typing.
And your head gets clear again and you can think again.
But you still can't breathe.
Damn it I don't wanna go to sleep ! I don't ever wanna have to wake up !
Or maybe it would be good. If I could just fall asleep before I can think.
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
Damn it.
That's really all I can think right now.

Ok, be honest with me now.
When exactly did I turn into a dancer ?
'Cuz today they made the singers dance. You know. As in showed them a choregraphy for the show ?

Look, I'm not a dancer. I'm not an actress, and for God's sake, I'm not even sure I'm a singer.
What's with the dance ???

I must admit though that it wasn't too bad. Quite simple actually, although I really have to work hard to imagine I don't look stupid when I'm moving so I don't end up holding myself back. Which is when whatever you do look stupid.

Still. Dancing is *so* not my thing.

Funny how I know exactly why I hate dancing.
Weird how I've worked so hard for nothing, or so I thought, and I ended up knowing myself so much better.
Now I actually know most of the time why I behave the way I do. Which to me is some kind of victory.

Know what ? I hate that I have friends.
I have friends who think I am someone I am not, or someone I am not all the time, and who won't allow me to be any other way. Who think they've found a mold for me, and are trying to make me fit in the mold.
No, better yet : I have friends who won't let me change.
I'm 18. I'm not the same person I was in highschool. I'm not even the same person I was a week ago.
I have friends who think they've figured me out.
And it's because of them that I can't write everything I want to here.
I have friends who get mad at me for feeling down.

So. I like having a blog. But I wish I didn't have to censor myself when I post here.

Bâtard, ya des fois où je suis beaucoup trop occupée !
Hier avant-midi j'ai travaillé, ensuite, comme vous avez pu le constater, je me suis promenée en auto et je suis revenue chez moi aux environs de 7 hres, je pense, là j'ai soupé et j'ai relaxé un peu - et avec le mal de tête que j'avais, c'était pas le temps de faire vraiment autre chose.
Aujourd'hui je me suis levée, j'ai fait 30 minutes sur le treadmill, je me suis habillée et arrangée, j'ai perdu mon temps sur internet, à midi il faut que je parte pour la répétition de comédie musicale (d'ailleurs je sais même pas où il faut que j'aille, c'en est chiant), je suis revenue chez moi à 5 hres, je soupe, et à partir de là, il faut que
a) je fasse de la recherche pour mon projet d'intégration
b) que je finisse le devis de recherche pour le projet, soit essayer de rallonger ce que j'ai déjà écrit et faire la bibliographie temporaire
c) envisager d'appeler 2 filles qui ne m'ont toujours pas e-mailé leur bibliographie
d) commence à étudier ma physique parce que franchement, pocher 2 examens en 2 semaines, ça serait assez pas drôle !

Hmm. Pas drôle.