Okay, look, I just don't know what more I'm supposed to do. They say life doesn't give you more than you can handle, but they're wrong.

I can encourage him, be positive, play millions of cribbage games with him, take him to my aunt's cottage to take his mind off things - I can do that, but I can't change his attitude and his thinking. I can't give him to strength or the will to fight. I can't convince him he can replace cigarettes by something else. I can't tell him everything's gonna be all right when we both know it won't be. I can't make him understand that just because things are changed, doesn't mean life has to suck. And I can't think of any possible answer when he basically says he doesn't care whether he lives or he dies.

I know it's depressing not to have anything to do - or rather, not to be able to do what you used to be able to do. I know he's bored out of his mind, and humiliated. I understand, but really - how hard is it to find other interests when you don't have a choice? There's got to be something else to do - just learn to like reading. Learn to like crosswords. Get a part-time job somewhere. Anything to take your mind off things and get some sense of self-fulfillment. I just don't know what else I'm supposed to try.

He only has a few years left, tops, and I can't change that. He's probably never going to come visit me ever again, and when I have kids, they probably never will have a grandfather. That should be bad enough, shouldn't it? You'd think he'd deserve some remote feeling of happiness for the time being, not just pure worthlessness.